Update for June 7

Introduction I don't know when to say "Good By" to all of you as my Blog will end. I feel that I am beginning the dying process. What does that mean? I don't know....things just start to go wrong. I assure you that I'm not in bed at this time and don't yet yearn to sleep a lot. However, I woke up on Saturday - the day we're heading to Holland Lake Lodge for an overnight stay - not being able to walk. John suggested that we'd have to cancel the trip. We had a call in to the Partners in Health Care, but they had to call the doctor and our first nurse who we've had before, acts like he has no idea. Finally, I get the idea of using my hiking poles - gee, I've never been an invalid before! A second call into Partners before we left, gave us more reassurances and suggestions like elevating the legs.

A wonderful trip to Holland Lake Lodge! Pat and Molly said the food was wonderful and they were right! Christian, the owner, and his mother who assists were a delight! Katie, our boxer, also got to go. She quickly claimed our cabin #1, and got a crush the resident male Golden (and he with her). I hobbled around with my hiking poles and we checked out the trailhead. Katie loved the Lake and she walked around in it while we sat in the cabin's chairs by the Lake. For dinner, we shared a crab cake appetizer and John had halibut and I had chicken. For dessert, I had a bosenberry crisp with ice cream!

Next morning after breakfast, we picked out a 2-seater yellow kayak. We aimed for the head of the Lake. I swear with John paddling behind me, he muscled his left side and we continually headed south so I just paddled with my right. It was a good long jaunt and we finally made it to the head of the Lake where there was a waterfall that didn't looked to far off! We attempted a crawl (I can't spell that other word that begins with "b") to the Falls over many fallen logs and debris, but no luck. Beautiful view back down the Lake to the snow-covered Missions.

Wonderful trip for all - back to Missoula where Partners had delivered a diuretic. It hasn't necessarily worked like a charm. Thanks to Maddy, Colin's girlfriend and PA student, for suggesting those tight leg hose. Got some and they give comfort. I still am uncomfortable standing and walking.

My work crew, Olleke and Carma, arrived Monday morning with Carma's trailer for hauling all the debris those two and Sherry trimmed out the week before. My cousin, Mac, ordered 2 yards of soil and began spreading in the garden box. Mac also found a roll of light netting that will enclose the box. I hear rumors that my artist brother, Tom is creating a gate with a centered tree fashioned with rebar. Will miracles never cease! After Carma made one trip to Eco-compost, we began cutting away again. I think Carma can't believe her eyes - she hates the mess! After I don't know how many hours, I called it off - it was too hot in the back of the house. They say another day, but I'm happy and grateful with how much we accomplished.

During this time, the painters have been here too; painting the house. This means the windows on back side of the house are covered with plastic and we can't see out. Ugh! Now it's raining and they can't finish until it stops!

To all you dinner people, thanks again! To all of you who keep me posted on your doings, thanks! And thanks for all the prayers and light. Love, Kerry

Update for May 30

Introduction Memorial Day Weekend is a weekend of celebrating wedding anniversaries in our family. Kelsey and Ryan Dick celebrated their 10th anniversary on May 25 and will be going to Italy on June 16. Pat and Molly Boyle celebrated their 1st year on May 29! They went to Holland Lake Lodge. Of course to stay at Chico Hot Springs where the wedding was last year, reservations are hard to come by unless you make them months in advance. John and I celebrated 33 years of marriage on May 27. We used to have a tradition of each taking turns making the arrangements for a surprise trip somewhere. Nothing exotic - it was the surprise that counted and a weekend without kids. The most low key was the Symmes Hotel in Camas Hot Springs. Then jet setting to Vancouver, BC where the airlines lost John's luggage and he was able to wear a pair of my pants! Another time John had to fess up early amidst trip because he couldn't find the cut-off road that got us to Sun Valley....and then the road was closed!

This year's celebration was quieter with a dinner at The Keep with Toni and Bob Ogg, who celebrated birthdays. Rainy, 50-degree temperature is not unusual for the Weekend, but by Saturday, we were bored with our TV golf watching. On Sunday, we went to breakfast in Rock Creek and then drove back and up to Flathead Lake where much of my family was cozied up in the cabin. Today, it's back to those usual chores of mowing lawn, doing laundry, etc.

Health Update. I continue to focus on managing my pain which is largely connected to my digestive system and deal with anxiety and depression. My appetite is good and I concentrate on eating proteins, fats and whole foods. I discovered that I am lactose intolerant so I've been using the enzymes for that. I have some drug to help with the anxiety and depression and the main focus here is to be active -- get out of bed and do things. Lighting a candle and knowing that many of my friends and family are close by is also uplifting.

Last week Mrs. Hegman's first grade class at St. Joseph School wrote to say that they were praying for me! Connor Hanson made the request and as his friend, they all wrote letters.

Thanks again for the dinners or other foods that we've received - we greatly appreciate it! We also have a few dishes to return to people. If you are one of those, please email me and let me know which is yours -- sorry we are losing track!

I continue to work on my "Grandmother" book which has been fun! It's a typical "Kerry" thing to take a theme and then extract the pictures to tell the story. It's been great to get contributions from many of you! Many of you lucky Grandmothers!

Love to all of you! Kerry

Update for May 16

Introduction. It appears that I'm a "once a monther" as far as updating my Blog. I think of all of you daily and of things that I would like to say, but spending time on the computer has been minimal for me. With my blackberry phone, I am able to stay in touch via emails and text to my satisfaction.
News from this end is that Pat and Molly went in for their baby check up and to learn the sex of the baby. Molly's parents were also visiting from Minneapolis. So we all met at the Shack for breakfast and the big announcement. Pat and Molly had a polka dot gift box and opened it to.....a pink t-shirt! So a baby girl is on the horizon!!
Health-wise. I continue to follow thru on my therapies. A couple of new items:
1) Colin and I met with a nutritionist, Hollie. My expectation was that I'd come home with a bunch of vegetable juicing recipes, but rather she likened my situation to "leaky gut syndrome" where we need to repair the lining of my stomach and increase cell vitality moving the spacing between cells closer together. The emphasis is protein and fat (whole foods). So Colin and I have been making chicken stock and making soups. The foods that we've received from people have also been wholesome. My breakfasts tended to be a little low on proteins so more egg breakfasts, etc.
2) Because of pain I went to the Advance Pain Management Clinic and received a "celiac plexus block" which is a series of needles inserted to anesthetize the set of nerves that serve the abdomen. And so far so good. I feel better than I did.
3) I had a lot of pain last week. Part of what I experienced was more "death awareness". Whereas, I've maintained that of that fine line I walked between life and death, I was focused on living on the healing, heathy side. I now feel that I've crossed over where I need to get my affairs in order and say my prayers. If you find yourself thinking in my direction, I appreciated all your positive thoughts....and lighting a candle is a great contribution! Thanks, Kerry
Featured Friend(s). The next generation of the Boyle/McMenus Clan! Pat and Molly's baby will be the first grandchild in my family and the first grandchild of Molly's family. May she lead the way; she will bring us great joy!

Update for April 26

Introduction Guess what? With John's recent hip surgery, the tables are turned! I'm getting to play the role of "caretaker" - that is if my friends will let me and if John will play "patient"! Mostly he likes to do it himself, fudge on the rules, or you have to tease it out of him, "do you need this?", "aren't you supposed to have a pillow under your leg?" Where I lose out are those tea and newspaper in bed; cleaning out the cat box, and love for clean kitchen countertops.

Of course this was all compromised by my great caretaker, Beth McKenzie, who was with me while John had his surgery, and then Kathy Pritchard took over bringing dinners, morning lattes and constant texts, "do you need anything?" Bob Ogg called with his concerns about our abilities and bringing lattes, and Mac, our construction contractor, took on Ed, the cat's neurosis and spring fever and just being here "in case"! Unbelievably, dinners kept appearing from various sources and one of our funnest ones was when we finally kidnapped Carol Gordon and Kathy into staying and eating with us!

Thanks for all your prayers, positive thoughts, visits and food! The surgery did not turn out to be the simple scenario (slip the liner out) that the Doctor hoped for. When he got in there, the hip was "dead" and had fluid and so he did the right thing by replacing the ball and using a few screws to hold the alignment in place. A few days later after monitoring his blood, he gave John a blood transfusion to get him back on his feet faster (at little too fast in my opinion!). Anyway, John is actually feeling better in this recovery than he did from the initial one done a year ago January. Wer're glad to have it behind us and he's looking forward to golf by July.

Update for Kerry. But enough about him! And yet, there isn't much to say about me since the last blog when I listed some of my main helpers and focus, i.e. Amy Haynes, Joanna Lester, Debra Shorrock, and Julie Rae O'Conner. I'm on schedule to meet with a nutritionist, Holly Greenwood, tomorrow. One thing I know she'll get me going on is tracking the food that I'm eating (food diary). I'm hoping to match my food up with how I'm feeling and seeing if I can link the pain, stomach aches, energy levels.

My friend, Olleke, recently returned from a tour of Bali and in listening to her stories, I'm taken by the spiritual and positive nature that their culture embraces. I need to introduce a regular ritual in my life to help me be in that positive frame of mind. What do you all do on a daily basis?

Featured Friend(s) - Sula Boyle (my Granddog) In my blogs I haven't yet mentioned the great comfort that I get from particularly my dogs, Sula and Katie. I've never met such a sensitive soul as Sula. When we get together she wiggles her long body in a direct and loving greeting. It's not about "where are the treats", but just a "hi, I love you" greeting. She's one of my trainers for being a grandmother! Thanks Sula!

Update for April 15

Introduction. Can we all believe it??? April 15 - the deadline for taxes to be filed! (That is Ed, the cat, on the desk helping with taxes.) Doing tax work has been a mainstay in the Boyle family since 1981 - Now the Boyle boys Pat and Colin enter into the fray! Initially, John tried out H&R Block in Lansing Michigan while waiting for me to finish a Masters degree at Michigan State University. He liked it enough so he got a tax season job back in Missoula when we returned. Two blocks from our house was a neighborhood accounting firm, Byington, Deveny and Meyer. Three young graduates were buying out a guy ready for retirement, Keith Byington. It's been history ever since only with a lot of change and growth. Today includes 6 partners (4 women) and a staff flexing from 23-30 depending on the season. They've moved from the small house to a beautiful new building down by the Clark Fork River staying within the Missoula downtown. They've also been blessed to be a "family"; celebrating weddings, families of dogs/cats and 13-15 children and 1-2 grandchildren that Santa Clause checks on each year. (You need that "naughty or nice" check given that tax season is just around the corner and the poor spouses are getting ready for the workload each year). So congratulations to the Staff and spouses ! All will be celebrated at the annual "Tax Season Party" down at the Caras Park Tent with the clients tonight! Weather temps usually hover around 45 degrees so wear your coats and long under wear!

Second Round. My last blog (March 28) summarized my year with cancer. This year I am now free of the Cancer Center - at least chemotherapy for now. That seemed to scare some people or so I assume since I got a few sympathy cards and some viewed me at home in bed with the nurses at hand. More reality is that I'm getting a handle on my pain medication which I was always taking. It's true that I'm walking that line of life and death, but I'm choosing to live in the moment and on the side of living. For my supporters -- it's most helpful to refrain from assuming the worst about me (and sharing that) and with sharing your experiences of others with cancer. I love hearing from you about your life (positives and negatives) and your positive thoughts and prayers. Email or text is a great way to communicate (kmcmenus@msn.com or 240-6650 (text)). Short visits are good too (email/text to schedule).

Update. I feel that I'm enjoying life and that is so wonderful! But I admit that I have bad days filled with anxiety. Perhaps it comes at the start of bedtime or waking with too many thoughts for the day. Some helpful things will be to get more exercise back in my life and keep the structure going.

Efforts:

Amy, my naturopath, has me drinking what I call "glug" juice. It's Haelan 951, an asian formula of fermented and nitrogenated soy. It's not intended to replace other therapies that I've taken but works to disarm cancer cells and enhance my immune system. I also hope to engage a nutritionist to better fit my diet to my needs.

Joanna, my energy healer, continues to help me access the higher guides and to know of their support and efforts.

Deb, Bodytalk, continues to access my body intelligence and facilitate communication between physiological factors and my brain's consciousness.

Julie Rae O'Conner - is my new body work healer. She does a form of Thai Massage.

Thanks to the Many!! For the warm, sweet thoughts and for the many meals and treats that have been dropped by. If I list I know I'll miss some, but know that we feel very grateful. It has kept us going while John has stayed home and done taxes and I've recovered from the seizure and stabilized. I'm feeling much stronger now; I'm not in bed, but doing the regular chores around the house and going to my therapies.

Next Steps. On Monday, April 18, John will undergo hip surgery to remove a metal sheeth from a "metal-to-metal" hip replacement that he had done in January 2010. One of the unforseen side effects is that the metal can come loose and enter the blood stream. He started experiencing pain in December and underwent blood tests and a MRI which determined that he had elevated levels of metal in his blood. So we've got a new support crew coming in -- Beth will be staying with me shortly and we will rely on the Boyle family and other friends to provide additional support. (We're getting kind of used to this!)

So I'll try to keep this Blog more frequent to provide updates on John's progress.

Featured Friend(s). Everyone! I'll write more as we move in to the next few weeks. Just know that you are all a blessing!

Update for March 28, 2011

Celebration of 1 Year Since Diagnosis - My diagnosis of pancreatic cancer happened on March 26, 2010. John and I were sitting in the doctor's office awaiting the results of the CT scan. As the doctor told us the results of the CT scan, she burst out crying, saying she was so sorry and that it was a "horrific disease"! My mom and son, Colin, sat outside in the waiting room. Here's where one has an "out of body" experience as I called my mom and son in and without the doctor or much emotion, told them the results and the next steps that were being taken. It was a friday afternoon (of course, always a friday so that you can wait out the weekend!), but the doctor's office was setting up an appointment with the Cancer Center (supposedly the center of "hope").

Relaying the above story is not very celebratory, but the scene haunted me for the next 3 months. I had no exposure or experience with cancer - I wondered if I would live out the weekend or week. The next morning, I walked out our long driveway to get the paper and felt so blessed to feel the cool morning air and see the remnants of the night sky. I wanted more of this!

For the next six months, awakening was like a nightmare - "is this really true"? I realized my sustenance and support was not going to come from the Cancer Center. Their mission statement with words like, "encouragement" and "hope" didn't match well with their medicinal, but nice touch. Fortunately I had built relationships in alternative medicines and spiritual realms. Isn't it interesting that this event occurs after I'm fully fledged from the Forest Service with 35 years of service and no major challenge at bey. My second son is just finishing his master of accountancy and ready for his new life! I'm ready for retirement, but rather clinging to the old and familiar. What was the soul's message?

So what have I experienced in this year's gift of life? John and I reviewed them the other day:

• Pat and Molly's Wedding - what a wonderful occasion to unite into a larger family joining with Molly's loving clan and then to reunite with our family and friends. It seemed to be a highlight for both our mothers, Irene and Justine.


• The closeness of our lives - taking nothing for granted - looking for the humor in life. How lucky I am to have a wonderful husband who fully embraces my dilemma and my sons who are right there with me.. Thank you so much!


• The amazing capacity of love and prayer from all friends and family, but as well of neighbors, co-workers, and the universe


• The commitment and help from my alternative healers - I couldn't have maintained a positive view of life without them taking a strong role


• The strength of the spiritual world to be there for me and the power of the body intelligence to heal itself


• Family trip to Hawaii -- a get away from all of it, to enjoy the common hobby of basketball - let's have some fun!


• Opening of the whole new world of just "being" - enjoying each moment; realizing all there is to explore out there; if I can't go traveling, I can still explore thru books, TV programs, and particularly others' adventures!

Other weird things that I've been enamored with:

• How do people grow so much hair!!


• People's energy - do they call it "chi"? - this life force is amazing

And of course the downsides:

• The medical field and its limitations to pharmaceuticals and limited tool box


• Pain and undergoing tests (but the pain medications are good!


• Having to face the dying process but also the pain of some friends wanting to face it before you do - sharing their favorite cancer story - or fearing or wanting to control it

All and all, not a year to forget! A lesson that while one can have a healthy lifestyle, we can't always choose the outcome. Surrender leads to less suffering! Given all, I reviewed my October 2010 vision and still agree with it! In part, "I have moved past a tendency toward black-and-white, life-or-death thinking, and make a habit of dwelling on the living side of the continuum." I believe in life in this life form and enjoy living in the moment and being!

Featured Friend(s) - Lauren Dick. Of course she's the leader being the oldest of her four brothers. At 7 or 8 years old, she and I share the love of collections - like rocks and crystals. She likes to go to my Art Room when she comes to visit. I gave her a special crystal and fossil and she gave me a crystal egg rock. She asked me if I was feeling better and I said yes. She said that it was because she prayed for me - thank you Lauren! She gave me my latest inspiration for my "About Grandmothers" book. Her grandmother, Debby, was showing me a notebook that Lauren had created. She said that her mother was not answering her questions about church so she was going to take notes! She got a 3-ring binder white notebook, inserted a cover page, "About Church" and then took it to church with her. After one session, she had one finding: "They bless people". Since I'm on the verge of becoming a grandmother, I'm taking her approach -- I'll take notes from my many experienced friends and family. Thank you Lauren!!

Update for March 21, 2011

Introduction - Looks like the updates are turning into more monthly in frequency than weekly! This blog is about transition time - a lot has happened. The key word is, "Courage" thus my photo of Johnny from the Houston zoo and "surrender" to what unfolds.

The Update - At last blog, John and I were headed for Houston for the 5th hyperthermia treatment. Prior to the treatment, I had to undergo a PET and CT Scan to see of the changes from the previous two treatments. Unfortunately things were slightly worse with a spot on the liver and lung and there was a blood clot near my port. With the blood clot, they would not undertake a hyperthermia treatment. Six treatments was always the limit, but it looks as if four is mine. Thus, I received a couple of chemo treatments and called it good. Next step was to determine what strategy -- more chemo and in Missoula or Houston??

However, prior to any rational discussion about chemo treatments, I had a seizure while waiting in the car for John to pick up a pizza. Poor John to find me unconscious, he called the ambulance and I took a ride to the hospital. There I spent a week recovering. The neurologist diagnosed it as "press syndrome" where my body was trying to protect my brain - I had high blood pressure, etc. - don't understand all the technical details. Anyway in discussion with oncologist and hospitalist, decided to end the chemo treatments.

I'm happy about ending the chemo treatments and having more quality of life while I have it - more energy. I signed up with Hospice (which is more than just end of life) where my medications can be better managed and we have access to and regular visits from nurses. It greatly relieves John's and my role in knowing much about the meds and quantities.

My Focus - Last blog I mentioned all the reading I was doing - I still have my pile but find my attention turning towards writing. I want to leave something about me to my grandchildren and to create a fun, light little book, "About Grandmothers". Since I get a lot of insight from you all on what it's like to be a grandmother, I open the invitation for you to share that special photo and experience that you had with your grandchild; or those special moments or values/wisdom that you would contribute! Please send to my email address: kmcmenus@msn.com. Thanks in advance!

Featured Friends(s) - Tom and Bonnie McMenus - My wonderful brother is 11 years younger than me so I got to play "mom" at an early age and now at this age, I feel younger around him. He and Bonnie (two to right in photo - Madeline, my landscape designer to left) spent the good part of the 2009 summer redoing our back and front patios and driveway. I got to see Tom in action on the machinery - such finese he has in breaking and moving concrete. Bonnie, on the other hand, is the lead in the design and concrete finisher. She's a perfectionist and enjoys her art so it was really fun to be a part of their work life. In the meantime, I've known them both more from our times at the lake. They exemplify the values of "play" that I seem to have lost the gene on. They have the boat and jet skiis as well as the "card game" skills for closing the evening. I am so grateful for the relationships that they have nurtured with Pat, Molly, Colin, and Maddy along with the rest of the clan. Love you Tom and Bonnie!