Update for March 21, 2011

Introduction - Looks like the updates are turning into more monthly in frequency than weekly! This blog is about transition time - a lot has happened. The key word is, "Courage" thus my photo of Johnny from the Houston zoo and "surrender" to what unfolds.

The Update - At last blog, John and I were headed for Houston for the 5th hyperthermia treatment. Prior to the treatment, I had to undergo a PET and CT Scan to see of the changes from the previous two treatments. Unfortunately things were slightly worse with a spot on the liver and lung and there was a blood clot near my port. With the blood clot, they would not undertake a hyperthermia treatment. Six treatments was always the limit, but it looks as if four is mine. Thus, I received a couple of chemo treatments and called it good. Next step was to determine what strategy -- more chemo and in Missoula or Houston??

However, prior to any rational discussion about chemo treatments, I had a seizure while waiting in the car for John to pick up a pizza. Poor John to find me unconscious, he called the ambulance and I took a ride to the hospital. There I spent a week recovering. The neurologist diagnosed it as "press syndrome" where my body was trying to protect my brain - I had high blood pressure, etc. - don't understand all the technical details. Anyway in discussion with oncologist and hospitalist, decided to end the chemo treatments.

I'm happy about ending the chemo treatments and having more quality of life while I have it - more energy. I signed up with Hospice (which is more than just end of life) where my medications can be better managed and we have access to and regular visits from nurses. It greatly relieves John's and my role in knowing much about the meds and quantities.

My Focus - Last blog I mentioned all the reading I was doing - I still have my pile but find my attention turning towards writing. I want to leave something about me to my grandchildren and to create a fun, light little book, "About Grandmothers". Since I get a lot of insight from you all on what it's like to be a grandmother, I open the invitation for you to share that special photo and experience that you had with your grandchild; or those special moments or values/wisdom that you would contribute! Please send to my email address: kmcmenus@msn.com. Thanks in advance!

Featured Friends(s) - Tom and Bonnie McMenus - My wonderful brother is 11 years younger than me so I got to play "mom" at an early age and now at this age, I feel younger around him. He and Bonnie (two to right in photo - Madeline, my landscape designer to left) spent the good part of the 2009 summer redoing our back and front patios and driveway. I got to see Tom in action on the machinery - such finese he has in breaking and moving concrete. Bonnie, on the other hand, is the lead in the design and concrete finisher. She's a perfectionist and enjoys her art so it was really fun to be a part of their work life. In the meantime, I've known them both more from our times at the lake. They exemplify the values of "play" that I seem to have lost the gene on. They have the boat and jet skiis as well as the "card game" skills for closing the evening. I am so grateful for the relationships that they have nurtured with Pat, Molly, Colin, and Maddy along with the rest of the clan. Love you Tom and Bonnie!

Update for February 12

The Big News!! A joyous time - Pat and Molly announced that they are expecting a baby in September!! In fact, we already have a photo of the "peanut head" (early nick name for Patrick). Molly was worried that her only symptoms thus far was tiredness so Pat and Molly met with the Doctor earlier to check things out....and there is the little darling in the sonogram! They went again this week and heard the heart beat! Congratulations all around!

Meanwhile this month in between the fourth and fifth treatment has been one of challenge because I picked up the cold/flu/crud that has been floating around. It's one of those things that you think you'll be over it in a couple of days, only to find yourself back in bed after going to boot camp! But I am fortunate it being able to take it easy. The interferon injections also create some flu-like symptoms so I haven't had much energy.

As I mentioned in my last blog, my mainstain and interest is reading and following along with world affairs. I'm excited for the people of Eygpt. Besides following along on the news and Charlie Rose, I read, Down the Nile by Rosemary Mahoney who manages to row her boat (amongst politics) down the Nile; Instanbul by Orhan Pamuk and his growing up in this Turkish city; Red Dust - A Path Thru China by Ma Jian; and currently, Dark Star Safari - Overland from Cairo to Cape Town by Paul Theroux. My other goal has been to do some writing which I have not gotten to.

Tomorrow, John and I head to Houston for treatment number 5.

Happy Valentine's Day! - You all are so thoughtful and I appreciate hearing from you even though I'm on the short end of receiprocating! Thanks Laura for the movie stubs - John and I need a break! Karen - John and I love your jellies - what a skill you have! Chris - thanks for keeping me in work-out style - purple perks me up! Jami - It's been so long since I've seen Cole and Levi, I didn't recognize them - what fine looking boys and I enjoy hearig about cars and driving from a distance! Lynn Loving - such a name that fits....you keep John and I filled with love. Colin - thanks for trying new recipies! Mari - Go Buckeyes! Kathy - nothing like fattening me up on those Bernices sugar cookies....and with Toni's turkey tetrazini to balance out. Beth - for making the big moves in life! Dear Kate - sorry I haven't connected, but you're in my thoughts! Love to all of you - Life is rich!!

Featured Friend(s) - Irene Boyle - John's mother turned 91 on February 11! What an inspiration she is in my life. She enjoys people and the social scened to it's fullest. Sports (football maybe the favorite) as the center stage, but amongst this are everyone's birthdays to celebrate, five new great grandchildren, what's going on in the family, in Butte and life in general. It's a joy to be around Irene and her positive light and great humor. Thanks Irene! (Plus, she still sustains us with her pasties and banana bread!)

Update for January 22

Back from Houston! Last week I went for my fourth hyperthermia treatment. Dr Bull continues to be that caring, compassionate oncologist that I am seeking. I can trust Theresa completely with the hyperthermia treatment. They even roll me down in my wheelchair to the entrance of Memorial Hermann Hospital and wait for my transportation (please ignore my picture - I still was full of fluid after the treatment). Dr. Bull leaves me with two words to remember (orange oppossum) to test my recall in recovering from the drugs...just the humor! I'll go for my fifth treatment in mid-February.

As usual, I spent this week recovering. I've also added the interferon shot which is supposed to put my immune system on alert so aside from feeling tired, the nausea and diarhea, I had a day or two feeling like I have the flu. The days and within a day are variable so I've been sticking close to home. I still do my energy healing work with Joanna Lester and body talk with Debra Shorrock and those efforts help.

Reading becomes my mainstay with recovery. This week I enjoyed Oracle Bones, A Journey Through Time in China by Peter Hessler. Hessler, an American, makes his life in China initially teaching English to rural students and then as a writer for the New Yorker. In this enthographic book he gives snapshots of historical artifacts and interviews those involved in their uncovery. He also follows the lives of several of his students (their migration to urban centers) and a friend in Beijing (a Uighur who migrates to U.S.). All give a sense of contemporary life and some trends in China. I realize that my attraction to "travel writing" is tied to my beginning roots as a social scientist and the study of people and place...I just hadn't recognized the connection. I'm following along on Hessler's recommendations for other books and have another one coming. I also started Spark - The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain by John Ratey, MD, as recommended by Pam Gardiner. I believe exercise is so important to my healing journey, this book helps build upon that. It's just frustrating with my tiredness and digestion as to how to ease in and out of a routine. Before I left for treatment last time, I could feel the benefits of the cardio and getting the blood flowing....I just didn't make much progress this last week. Oh well, awareness and learning!

Featured Friend(s) - Justine (my mother) and Janice (my sister). I admire my mother for her humor and how she keeps life on the up and up. She's had her health issues and now I understand more about the challenge to maintain a positive attitude and be a continuous problem solver. My mom is a great social person whereas, I can tend to take after my father's introversion. I learn a lot from seeing how she takes the initiative to keep in touch with her friends and family and that it can be done (particularly in long distance) with just the phone. My sister, Janice, who is 5 years younger, values our family, family home and history. She's the one who is mother to all the dogs we have and tracks the "boys" (five grandsons) at the weekend lake outings. Thanks to my mom and my sister for making our family one with "glue"! (Of course, I haven't gotten to writing about my brother Tom and wife Bonnie yet and they are all in this as well!)

Update for January 5

New Year's Resolutions - A natural topic for my blog at this time would be the turn in the New Year and new year resolutions. And it works! My outlook lately has been one of feeling a new stage of life. It's been 9 months since my cancer diagnosis, and I feel I've worn out the "shock and awe" of that time. I feel more at peace with my situation and loving the moments of living and being in the world. I find it's timely to return to things such as my work life (that I left within a weeks time) and now grieve the loss of my work and the many wonderful friendships and team efforts that I enjoyed. Grieving for me is experiencing the moments of sadness that arise over whatever small triggers a day brings - an email from a friend, newspaper stories of the Forest Service, etc., and I welcome this release. Otherwise, I've been stuck in some ridiculous tendencies. For example, I've hated getting on the computer. And what did I do consistently 40 hours per week for the last 20 years, but use the computer as the primary source of my work and communication with others. Additionally, other than the blog, I've been reticent about identifying my new "tribe(s)" and initiating connections with my friends.

As resolutions, I think of mine as turning points and watching for openings to try new things:

1) I choose to reflect on my life and grieve, where true, the things that I miss about my previous life;

2) I want to develop a structure of reading and using other media to explore all the things that I've not had time to explore - what a wonderful opportunity! The history of ancient Greece, China, the middle East, Europe,etc. - I never took a history course in college. One of the perks working for the Forest Service was knowing about the land and wildlife - I'm fascinated with the efforts of people to learn about the animal and plant worlds. When I mention a "structure", I think of it more as a commitment of time rather than the development of an outline of what to study or read. I'm more on the bent of an intuitive, eclectic approach. I just read Steve Berry's latest mystery, The Emperor's Tomb. While simple entertainment, there was a map of China and historical background on such a rich culture. This may lead to drier, more technical materials. Now I'm reading, The Wolverine Way by Douglas Chadwick which is about the study of wolverines. Much of it is centered in the Many Glacier area and Glacier Park where I've had the opportunity to hike over the last couple of years. Such effort to explore these parts in winter times and how the animals live - fascinating! Then there's always the Charlie Rose interviews on world players and politics that I tape and watch later!

3) I will explore writing as a creative expression of my health situation. Interestingly, at the annual Festival of the Book conference in Missoula this last fall, one panel included four women who had each written memoirs. They had done it, not because they thought their life so interesting or that they had a message for the reader, but rather as a way to help them through a particular challenging time.

4) I will be open to opportunities to join or develop new "tribe(s)" and friendships. As I've found over the last 9 months, all my relations have been renewed, re-defined to some extent. It's like we must all recover from the "shock and awe" of having a friend befall a health crisis and get beyond feeling like the first or only topic of conversation must be how that friend is dealing with her health.

We'll see how these "resolutions" pan out over the next three months. I probably didn't write them in proper form, but they will be useful for me.

How about your resolutions? Any to share? My suggestion is to notice things in your life that you are doing that you don't want to do but feel that you ought to do them for others, etc. Life is too short!!

Featured Friend(s) - Genine Berard (cousin) and her clan! (Gerry (my aunt), Chris (husband), Brittney (oldest daughter), and Brook and Morgan. She calls me her "hero", but as the older of the cousins, I've remembered her as fearless! Like waterskiing and she dared taking those two skinny legs outside the wake - I remember she had one leg stuck on each side. As we've added our families, she's shared her wonderful daughters. We took a girls trip over spring break one year and stayed in the big city of Portland - there I learned how much time I would have in the mornings while waiting for the girls to get ready! And we had fun at the beach at Canon Beach - can't believe she put ice in her red wine! And now, Genine's been in touch with suggestions and just stopping by as they travel from home (Post Falls) to Kalispell to visit her mother Gerry. Thanks to Chris for sharing his amazing photos of air flights he's taken across northwest as well as text photos of family events. Brittney is that bright positive light of energy - working hard on her nursing degree at Boise State. Brook joins Brittney at Boise State but is that Aries warrior energy of exploring all at once - in accounting, but also life in general. Lucky Morgan, at 16, gets to experience the "only child" thru her teenage years! Thanks to this amazing family in your love and support!

Update for December 17

Introduction - I apologize for being delinquent in keeping my blog up to date, particularly with different trips through out the weeks -- Hawaii and Houston. As my life is unsettled, just with the house remodel, the computer, my laptop, etc. that have yet to be organized, I don't find routine in writing and structure during my day. As I look towards the New Year, it's one of those things that I hope to fine better routine. Also, coming away from a 35-year work life structure where the computer was largely my 40-hour work week, I've had a strange aversion to the computer as a familiar companion....strange, yet to be explored! Anyway, on with the events of my life over the past several weeks!

Hawaii - Maui - My primary image of this time is of intense green, sunlight, warm, breezy air and a few birds making their distinctive calls. My settled routine was to take a 2-mile morning "boardwalk" of concrete sidewalk or slate that ran along between the ocean and beaches and the hotels. The Sheraton was on one end where we were staying and the Hyatt(?) was on the other end. Many people shared this morning walk, run, or lollygag. This was commercialized yet one couldn't help enjoy the green lawns, lounging, people getting their lessons for surfing and watching the neophytes out there in the waves awaiting for their first jump up on the board. One fine morning while Molly and Maddy were off to yoga, Colin and I made the jaunt. As we approached the end, a canoe kiosk guy remarked to his compatriot that there was a pod of whales out to sea. Sure enough, we could see a circle of black dots out there on the sea landscape. Quite exciting since the return of the whales was just beginning.

Most of our 6-party routines involved morning exercise outings. We then diverted to our particular preferences: sunning on the beach, sunning by the pool, or finding more shade....all having that favorite reading material. I read Molowaki (?) which was a local historical novel about the leprocy colony settled on a near by island in the late 1800's/early 1900's. I'm more of a not direct sun person so I often opted for the room balcony with some shade, still taking in the sun and intense green of lawn and palm trees.

The excitement of staying in this commercialized local was the buzz of the basketball teams gathered for the Maui Basketball Classic. The Kentucky fans were the big majority, but Michigan State came in a close second...people wearing their blue or green gear. We went to the 3 MSU games and for the second two games, drove to the stadium so that we could be assured seats in the MSU section by the basket. They were intense, lively games, and yes, I did have to close my eyes in the last few seconds. Why couldn't they be in control??

I felt like I got a way from "IT"; being a person in constant struggle with cancer with people worrying over me. It was a wonderful reprieve to be normal for awhile. I love being around my kids and husband who make it easy to be so.

For Thanksgiving, we found a take-out pantry along the beach and got the full turkey dinner, dressing, potates, and pumpkin pie. We were going to take it out to a picnic on the beach, but for the last couple of days, the tradewinds blew so hard, it was uncomfortable. So we had our deck set-up and it was delightful and intimate amongst the six of us. Other events while there -- we went to the aquarium which was amazing in seeing the diversity of fish and ocean life. John and I experienced a slide key guitar concert featuring native Hawaiian music and the kids found the best sushi place in the world! Also a hight light for the girls was our pedicure/manicure - we were set for the week! and the boys battled the tradewinds for some golf overlooking the ocean.

All in all, a wonderful reprieve from the embattled Montana snowstorm and frigid weather and we didn't want to come home!!

Houston - With a week between Hawaii and Houston, I mainly regrouped, getting ready for the 3rd treatment. Interestingly some of the daily digestive challenges return whether readjusting to the cold or what?

Anyway, the Houston treatment was much the same as the previous two. I didn't have any problem with the heat treatment - it felt good and I felt better afterwards. The second aspect of the trip was to undergo a CAT and PET scan to see the effects of the two previous treatments. Unfortunately, the tests indicated no change in the tumor and in the non-spread of cancer. Of course, we were hoping for more, but also have to take the "no change" as positive as well. Adjustments to the treatment are to take interferon shots weekly (which keep the immune system on alert). I had not been doing those because the insurance company doesn't pay and they are expensive. It was part of the protocol that I hadn't done. So we will institute those in these next weeks.

Missoula - This week I'm back and thinking about Christmas. Family will be home with Molly's parents coming from Minneapolis; Tom and Bonnie from CDA; maybe Janice and family; and Irene. I plan to host Christmas Eve open house with the usual smoked turkey and salad and to see any or all who want to stop by for some cheer. Pat and Molly are hosting Christmas dinner and hopefully, it will be more of a potluck gathering. Plenty of snow to get us out and about!

Featured Friend(s) - Pat, Molly, Colin, and Maddy - My best friends! It's been wonderful to transition from a parent to a friend and mentoring to one another as we negotiate the changes in the world and our life challenges. I appreciate each of you so much!! You allow me to be me and we continue to enjoy our unique interests together. Thank You!

Blessings to all of you who offer your continued care, prayers and positive thoughts! I think of you and wish you the best of holidays with your loved ones and a grand new year! Love, Kerry

Update for November 18

Houston - November 7-14 - My medical team at the Herman Memorial Cancer Center consider themselves Texans and seem to like where they live. A universal and singular impression of Montana among them is that it is: "COLD". "It's cold there isn't it?" "How cold does it get?" "Are there places where it doesn't snow in the winter?" I'm not used to this impression; it's so unlike the responses I've usually experienced which is Montana is one of those last best places to be....it's scenic beauty, the mountains, the unpopulated, rural, wild nature being desireable and enviable place to be. At least us Montanans won't have to worry about mass migration from the south!

So John and I returned this second time with a few Montana gifts. John's mother, Irene, and brother, Chuck, were kind to send us a 5# box of Shepard's candy (carmels, chocolates, nuts) - I love it! Interestingly, Shepard's doesn't have a website or do any mailing of their candy. We gave that box with a picture of Missoula to the chemo nurses and administrative staff and they enjoyed it. For the heat treatment staff (Dr. Bull, Dr. Sieu, Theresa, Rhonda, Tameka, Jacob) which reside over in the Research Unit of Herman Memorial Hospital, I brought boxs of truffles from La Chocolate. They seemed surprised and very excited. Of course, I missed some of the conversation because I was sedated and resting in the Heat Tent.

Above is a picture of the Heat Tent or bed that Theresa is preparing. I lay down and they attach all sorts of monitors to my body to measure temperature, heart rate, blood pressure, etc. (I also have a catheter so I don't have to get up and pee if any of you were wondering!) The second time around was relaxing and I didn't have any discomfort. I was able to wake up enough afterwards so I didn't have to stay in the hospital. I went home to the Marriot and slept like a baby! The release of all the fluids is detoxifying and I come away feeling purified and peaceful. It's like doing the Sweat lodge that I used to do as a "change of seasons" ritual or an eating fast. I don't expect that this will continue to be the case as we progress and that is why there is a maximum of 6 treatments. The intense, continuous heat will begin to exhaust my cells and I may come away more tired. As Amy explains, so much fire in your system increases the metabolism of the cells. My aim is to rejuvenate in between with body work (Joanna and Deb) and acupuncture (Amy).

The first two days of the treatment, as I've explained before, are getting a chemo treatment and hydration in prep for the heat. I also get a lung xray and ekg. There were no tests this time to look at the effects of the 1 treatment. (I may be sensitive, but I feel burdened by people asking me what the results are and the energy and desire to talk about what all this means. I'll try to keep you all updated via blog.)

I tried to have a better attitude and experience spending the 2 full days in the chemo lab. It's not a large room filled with about 12 lounge/chemo chairs. Whether you like it or not, you absorb the nursing dramas (where are the labs for this person, where is the chemo, why does the department manager want to meet with me, and assurances that chemo protocols are followed) and the patients' stories. One patient, a regular participant, is a stately, 78 year old, african american woman who I call the opinion leader of the collective. She gathers many of the stories and befriends the families of many of the people who come. While she works away on her lap top, she has her ways with the nurses and staff and encourages others. The drama this time was that she arrived at 10am and it wasn't until 2pm before the chemo was delivered from the pharmacy for her. Her son transports her to and from the place, but when things are delayed to such a degree and he has to work at 5pm, she had to make other arrangements. So there was alot of finger pointing and discussion about why we patients tend to wait around all the time and have to spend as much time as we do there. Good question! I also brought along a Sue Grafton mystery .... O is for Outlaw and P is for Peril and that helped immensely to transport me to another world and who dunnit!

Other than that, John and I hung out at our Marriot room and went to Rice Village (near Rice University campus) for shopping and dinners. There is an Italian restaurant that was excellent. I got some new corduroys (for those of you who are used to hearing me walk the work halls) at Banana Republic!

This week and next - Just been hanging out this week and trying to come to grips with this snow and cold (OK, Montana is cold!) and lack of sun. The reprieve will be when John, Pat, Molly, Colin, Maddy and I all head to Hawaii tomorrow! I look forward to the ocean air and hanging out! Molly and Maddy are taking me for a manicure/pedicure and some girl time! Pat and Colin will drag John along to a golf course. Of course, a centerpiece will be enjoying some Michigan State basketball (3 games). I've already seen one pre-season game and reaquainted myself with the players. Looking forward to hearing Coach Izzo speak at a Coaches banquet we're attending.

Featured Friends - Barb Plattes and Janet Kekich - These two have come out to share a glass of wine with me a couple of times and I thoroughly enjoy catching up. The picture was taken at Pat and Molly's wedding weekend that we all enjoyed in May. Janet made me a photo album which has been wonderful to have!

Barb Plattes (in the middle of picture) and I go back to the beginning of our careers with the Forest Service. I say this a million times, but she's been my role model for enjoying life. You know how you have those preconceived notions of what motherhood and marriage is all about -- she's showed that you can maintain your girl friendships and having a balance in life with work, being a mom, and having fun. Now, she was the first one of us three to "retire". She's educated us on the ways of facebook, catching Dr. Oz, taking your cruises around Hawaii or across the Atlantic, and exploring the northwest. She's now newly a grandmother to Eli! Thanks Barb!

Janet Kekich (right in picture) - What a big heart! She and I also herald the Forest Service as our base, and she's still at work and enjoying it. Through this cancer crisis of mine, she's one person who is comfortable with being in that "life and death" realm that I'm experiencing. Her daughter, Mandy, died tragically in a car accident in 2001(?) and Janet has continued to feel Mandy's spirit and presence. Janet acknowledges the spirit world and the thin veil that exists. Thus, conversations amongst us are at ease and with a richness that I enjoy. Thanks Janet!

Update for November 6

Houston - Here we come! Tomorrow John and I head back to Houston for a second treatment. This is part of the protocol, to have these treatments about once a month. As I've mentioned the routine before, Monday will be spent getting chemotherapy; on Tuesday I will get filled with hydrating fluids; and then on Wednesday I will spend at least 6 hours where my body temperature is at 104 degrees - enough to kill the cancer and help the chemotherapy be effective. Thursday I will recuperate and then on Friday we will return to Missoula.

I've enjoyed the time off that I've had from having weekly chemo sessions in the past three weeks. As I've mentioned in the previous blog, my digestive system continues to be unpredictable. I'll feel normal or well for part of the day and then another part, I'll need to hang close to home.

When I return next friday, I'll have the better part of the week to rest up....and then the whole crew - John, Pat, Molly, Colin, Maddy and I will go to Hawaii for a Michigan State Basketball Classic. Michigan State has been joining some other teams like Kentucky or Conneticut each year for some preseason basketball. Since I'm an alum of MSU, we've followed the Jud Heathcoate/Tom Izzo coaching legacy and all become fans. Plus, we'll enjoy Maui and the sun and warm weather! More on that next time!

Featured Friend - Sherry Munther - This friendship is another one that goes back to the early 1980's and was initially a Forest Service connection. Sherry is a seeker of the wisdom in life and continues to inspire me with her quest for knowledge --taking Molli classes at UM, book club, and taking in womens' or other conferences. She's also a big community contributor thru Kiwannis, Big Brother/Sister, Missoula Business Women's Network and others. My connection, however, has been more on the personal, self-exploration level. We always say -- I need a "Sherry fix" or a "Kerry fix" and then meet for breakfast at the Shack. She's also got those farm girl skills, like canning peaches, making applesauce or jams and has had me help out. I love it but it still hasn't rubbed off enough that I've used my canning jars! Whatever! Sherry's always been there for me! Thanks Sherry!