Update for March 28, 2011

Celebration of 1 Year Since Diagnosis - My diagnosis of pancreatic cancer happened on March 26, 2010. John and I were sitting in the doctor's office awaiting the results of the CT scan. As the doctor told us the results of the CT scan, she burst out crying, saying she was so sorry and that it was a "horrific disease"! My mom and son, Colin, sat outside in the waiting room. Here's where one has an "out of body" experience as I called my mom and son in and without the doctor or much emotion, told them the results and the next steps that were being taken. It was a friday afternoon (of course, always a friday so that you can wait out the weekend!), but the doctor's office was setting up an appointment with the Cancer Center (supposedly the center of "hope").

Relaying the above story is not very celebratory, but the scene haunted me for the next 3 months. I had no exposure or experience with cancer - I wondered if I would live out the weekend or week. The next morning, I walked out our long driveway to get the paper and felt so blessed to feel the cool morning air and see the remnants of the night sky. I wanted more of this!

For the next six months, awakening was like a nightmare - "is this really true"? I realized my sustenance and support was not going to come from the Cancer Center. Their mission statement with words like, "encouragement" and "hope" didn't match well with their medicinal, but nice touch. Fortunately I had built relationships in alternative medicines and spiritual realms. Isn't it interesting that this event occurs after I'm fully fledged from the Forest Service with 35 years of service and no major challenge at bey. My second son is just finishing his master of accountancy and ready for his new life! I'm ready for retirement, but rather clinging to the old and familiar. What was the soul's message?

So what have I experienced in this year's gift of life? John and I reviewed them the other day:

• Pat and Molly's Wedding - what a wonderful occasion to unite into a larger family joining with Molly's loving clan and then to reunite with our family and friends. It seemed to be a highlight for both our mothers, Irene and Justine.


• The closeness of our lives - taking nothing for granted - looking for the humor in life. How lucky I am to have a wonderful husband who fully embraces my dilemma and my sons who are right there with me.. Thank you so much!


• The amazing capacity of love and prayer from all friends and family, but as well of neighbors, co-workers, and the universe


• The commitment and help from my alternative healers - I couldn't have maintained a positive view of life without them taking a strong role


• The strength of the spiritual world to be there for me and the power of the body intelligence to heal itself


• Family trip to Hawaii -- a get away from all of it, to enjoy the common hobby of basketball - let's have some fun!


• Opening of the whole new world of just "being" - enjoying each moment; realizing all there is to explore out there; if I can't go traveling, I can still explore thru books, TV programs, and particularly others' adventures!

Other weird things that I've been enamored with:

• How do people grow so much hair!!


• People's energy - do they call it "chi"? - this life force is amazing

And of course the downsides:

• The medical field and its limitations to pharmaceuticals and limited tool box


• Pain and undergoing tests (but the pain medications are good!


• Having to face the dying process but also the pain of some friends wanting to face it before you do - sharing their favorite cancer story - or fearing or wanting to control it

All and all, not a year to forget! A lesson that while one can have a healthy lifestyle, we can't always choose the outcome. Surrender leads to less suffering! Given all, I reviewed my October 2010 vision and still agree with it! In part, "I have moved past a tendency toward black-and-white, life-or-death thinking, and make a habit of dwelling on the living side of the continuum." I believe in life in this life form and enjoy living in the moment and being!

Featured Friend(s) - Lauren Dick. Of course she's the leader being the oldest of her four brothers. At 7 or 8 years old, she and I share the love of collections - like rocks and crystals. She likes to go to my Art Room when she comes to visit. I gave her a special crystal and fossil and she gave me a crystal egg rock. She asked me if I was feeling better and I said yes. She said that it was because she prayed for me - thank you Lauren! She gave me my latest inspiration for my "About Grandmothers" book. Her grandmother, Debby, was showing me a notebook that Lauren had created. She said that her mother was not answering her questions about church so she was going to take notes! She got a 3-ring binder white notebook, inserted a cover page, "About Church" and then took it to church with her. After one session, she had one finding: "They bless people". Since I'm on the verge of becoming a grandmother, I'm taking her approach -- I'll take notes from my many experienced friends and family. Thank you Lauren!!

Update for March 21, 2011

Introduction - Looks like the updates are turning into more monthly in frequency than weekly! This blog is about transition time - a lot has happened. The key word is, "Courage" thus my photo of Johnny from the Houston zoo and "surrender" to what unfolds.

The Update - At last blog, John and I were headed for Houston for the 5th hyperthermia treatment. Prior to the treatment, I had to undergo a PET and CT Scan to see of the changes from the previous two treatments. Unfortunately things were slightly worse with a spot on the liver and lung and there was a blood clot near my port. With the blood clot, they would not undertake a hyperthermia treatment. Six treatments was always the limit, but it looks as if four is mine. Thus, I received a couple of chemo treatments and called it good. Next step was to determine what strategy -- more chemo and in Missoula or Houston??

However, prior to any rational discussion about chemo treatments, I had a seizure while waiting in the car for John to pick up a pizza. Poor John to find me unconscious, he called the ambulance and I took a ride to the hospital. There I spent a week recovering. The neurologist diagnosed it as "press syndrome" where my body was trying to protect my brain - I had high blood pressure, etc. - don't understand all the technical details. Anyway in discussion with oncologist and hospitalist, decided to end the chemo treatments.

I'm happy about ending the chemo treatments and having more quality of life while I have it - more energy. I signed up with Hospice (which is more than just end of life) where my medications can be better managed and we have access to and regular visits from nurses. It greatly relieves John's and my role in knowing much about the meds and quantities.

My Focus - Last blog I mentioned all the reading I was doing - I still have my pile but find my attention turning towards writing. I want to leave something about me to my grandchildren and to create a fun, light little book, "About Grandmothers". Since I get a lot of insight from you all on what it's like to be a grandmother, I open the invitation for you to share that special photo and experience that you had with your grandchild; or those special moments or values/wisdom that you would contribute! Please send to my email address: kmcmenus@msn.com. Thanks in advance!

Featured Friends(s) - Tom and Bonnie McMenus - My wonderful brother is 11 years younger than me so I got to play "mom" at an early age and now at this age, I feel younger around him. He and Bonnie (two to right in photo - Madeline, my landscape designer to left) spent the good part of the 2009 summer redoing our back and front patios and driveway. I got to see Tom in action on the machinery - such finese he has in breaking and moving concrete. Bonnie, on the other hand, is the lead in the design and concrete finisher. She's a perfectionist and enjoys her art so it was really fun to be a part of their work life. In the meantime, I've known them both more from our times at the lake. They exemplify the values of "play" that I seem to have lost the gene on. They have the boat and jet skiis as well as the "card game" skills for closing the evening. I am so grateful for the relationships that they have nurtured with Pat, Molly, Colin, and Maddy along with the rest of the clan. Love you Tom and Bonnie!